5 Star Wars Characters You Won’t See In A SpinoffFebruary 7, 2013 at 8:41 am | Posted in Art, Humor, Movies, Star Wars | Leave a comment
The internet is a buzz with wild rumors of which Star Wars characters are getting their own spinoff films. Will it be Boba Fett, Han Solo, Yoda, or even the mighty Jabba the Hutt? One thing we do know is who won’t be in them.
No, not the NFL player, but the Ewok from Bright Tree Village. You may not realize it, but Teebo is one of the more famous Ewoks. Teebo was trained in the ways of medicine by the heralded Ewok shaman Master Logray. He was also a close companion of the adventuresome Wicket W. Warrick. He appeared in cartoons, books, and even has his own action figure. Still, we’re pretty sure the movie makers in Hollywood don’t have their eyes set on Teebo.
Say it with me, E-bar-ee-bav-ee-bee-dee. The sheer mouthful of his name alone will assure his non-screen presence. Ebareebaveebeedee, Squib King of Skor II, may seem like an obscure character unworthy of his own film. However the Squib king actually played an important role for his people during the Clone Wars. King Ebareebaveebeedee stood strong against the Separatists, and with the help of Jedi Master Mace Windu, his planet remained free. Ebareebaveebeedee even bestowed upon Mace Windu the title of Big Time Hero of Beyond-Squib Eliteness.
It may help to shed a little light on what the heck a Squib is. First off they’re kind of like blue rabbits. Secondly they love junk almost as much as they do haggling. For Squibs, life is all about making deals to acquire more precious junk. He who has the most junk is king, you could say.
As of yet, Ebareebaveebeedee has only made a few rare appearances. He first appeared in Scavenger Hunt, then later on in two HoloNet News Entries.
3. Zorba the Hutt
Sure, they may make a movie starring Jabba the Hutt or at least including him, but do you think they’ll included Jabba’s hairy father? Zorba is the only known Hutt to sport full dreadlocks and a beard. Like Ebareebaveebeedee, Zorba is a reclusive character in the Star Wars Expanded Universe. He only appeared in the infamous Glove of Darth Vader children books and an Episode I Adventures book. Aside from that, he’s had a few mentions. It’s worth noting that his death was never shown in the SWEU, though it’s been rumored. Perhaps someday the hairy Hutt will return, crawling his way triumphantly from a sarlacc pit on the Outer Rim, declaring vengeance against those who put him there. Just imagine the little Jawas chanting rise.
2. Darth Vectivus
Before you become lost to the temptation of how awesome a movie starring a Sith would be, you must first come to realize who Darth Vectivus is: he is the most boring Sith ever. If you’ve seen the commercials for the most interesting man in the world, Darth Vectivus would be the complete opposite. He might as well have been named Darth Accountant.
The most boring Sith ever lived on a secluded asteroid base where he used his dark powers of the Force to…better his business. No accounting error ever passed his notice! His unnaturally abilities let him remain fair and balanced in his dealings with his coworkers! He probably even paid time and a half for weekend work! Huzzah!
Seriously, Vectivus was reknown for this. Unfortunate Sith who came across his holocron were bored to tears with his lessons on running a business. In a way, Vectivus’ on page persona was so vile with lameness, that he made any other character in the entire Star Wars Expanded Universe seem interesting. His powers of boredom could easily drive a fan for demanding more Jar Jar.
Yes, the horror…the horror.
If you don’t know who Waru is, you should really go read The Crystal Star by Vonda N. McIntyre. Many Star Wars fans may try to steer you clear of the book, but I’m of the opinion that such stories should be experienced first hand. Only then can you truly decide whether it’s good or bad. Regardless, Waru is an extradimensional being who eats Force-sensitive beings in hopes of one day having enough Force juice to warp himself home. When not eating poor, helpless people, Waru gives in to the generosity of his true heart to heal the sick and dying. Honestly, he does actually help people…as long as they’re not Force-sensitive cause then it’s snack time. By the end of the book, Waru manages to gobble up Luke Skywalker who, only with the help of Han Solo, is able to escape.
The problem with Waru is his looks. He’s not screen friendly. He’s described as this giant thing covered in gold scales, oozing nasty ichor. The one official picture of him shows only a small portion of his golden blobness, and it’s in black and white. Alas, we may never know the true image of his greatness.
Okay, so this strange alien appeared in one book and was mentioned a couple times elsewhere. Big deal. But…Waru has a cult. Poems have been written about him. There is even a Church of Waru. He is a being who has transcended the prison of the written page and invaded the minds of rabid Star Wars fans. There are very few characters who have wielded such power in the real world. We cannot help but wonder what Waru’s journey might have been like. I’m sure there’s a story to be told there, though the one ring probably doesn’t play a part.